There are plenty of resources out there that answer other questions about what marriage is and is not. I do not intend to answer those questions in this article, at least not directly. My aim here is to imagine I were sitting down with you in my office to discuss how to respond to a real, flesh and blood person who has invited you to a same-sex wedding. What should you do?

I am going to assume at the outset that we are agreed on a couple of things:

1. Homosexuality is a sin (1 Cor 6:9-11; 1 Tim 1:10; cf. Romans 1:24-32).
2. The institution of marriage is given by God. It is not restricted to Christians, but is restricted to one man, one woman (Gen 2:19-23; Matt 19:4-6).
3. Christians are commanded to not approve what God condemns (Rom 1:32; 1 Cor 13:6).

I’ll cut to the chase: No, you should not attend the wedding ceremony or reception. By showing up, even if you internally disagree with what is happening, your presence gives the appearance of your approval of this union to the couple and to the fellow guests.

But what do you actually do if you have been given a “save the date”?

Step One: Pray

Pray for God to grant you wisdom, courage, and love.

You will need wisdom to know what is the best way to respond to the person who invited you.

You will need courage to be okay with earning the disapproval of other people.

You will need love to respond like a Christian. You must love your neighbor, but love God more. Yet real love of God always overflows to love of neighbor.

Were we sitting in my office, I would ask you how you have been praying about this, invite you to be praying, and then I would stop and pray right then.

Step Two: Be Wise

When Solomon decided the “whose baby is this?” dilemma (1 Kings 3:16-28), he didn’t flip open to Leviticus to find a verse to tell him who the real mother was. He used shrewd wisdom—he was, in the words of Jesus, wise as a serpent, innocent like a dove (Matt 10:16). And after he solved the case, all of Israel, “stood in awe of the king, because they perceived that the wisdom of God was in him to do justice,” (1 Kings 3:28). If we are going to do “justice”—to do what is right—we need wisdom.

So too, we need wisdom to know what righteousness looks like in your specific situation. A key question in understanding what wisdom looks like would be: What is the nature of your relationship with this person?

The closer you are with the person, the more carefully you need to consider how you respond. Here are some examples:

1. Is the person who invited you just an acquaintance? Maybe an old friend that you have lost touch with? Then it would probably be wise to simply say nothing and not respond. People do this all the time with other wedding invites. You likely do not have the relational capital to spend on a conversation of why you feel conscience-bound to not attend, so little good will probably come from it. Mourn over their sin and pray for their salvation.
2. Is this person a step closer? Perhaps a coworker or distant relative? If possible, then follow the advice above. But if they expect you to attend, then they probably do not understand your convictions. If you must explain your absence, then it may be wise to simply say, “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to attend,” without further explanation. But it also may be wise to graciously explain your convictions about what marriage is and is not (see the next step). Pray for God to give you wisdom to know which response is appropriate and “fits the occasion” (Eph 4:29).
3. Is this person very close? A child? A sibling? A best friend? Well, unless you have been incredibly lukewarm in your faith, this person should know you desire to obey Jesus Christ and submit to His Word. Which means that the invitation has come either from their ignorance over what Scripture teaches (i.e. they don’t think there is any contradiction between the Bible and same-sex marriage), or with something of a challenge: will you choose me or your faith? What do you do then? Well, you must be “prepared to make a defense…with gentleness and respect,” (1 Pet 3:15). You can serve your child, your friend, your sibling well by not only taking the time to think about your convictions, but work towards a method of communicating it that makes it as clear and winsome as possible: prepared, gentleness, respect.
   
   With all the love and compassion you can possibly muster in your voice, labor to explain what the Bible teaches about God’s good design of marriage and sexuality and why this means you cannot attend. Then explain that if they don’t accept your faith, you do not judge them (for what have I to do with judging outsiders? 1 Cor 5:12). But by asking you to attend this wedding, they are making you choose between pleasing God or pleasing them. If you have the relational bridge strong enough to bear it, invite them to consider what they would do if they were invited to participate in something that they strongly disagree with, such as, for example, a rally that supports the traditional definition of marriage. And, if they are still listening, maybe point out that your relationship has never depended on agreeing on everything in the first place—you don’t need that to love each other. Reiterate your love for them, but gently and unapologetically tell them that if you must, you will follow your conscience.

Step Three: Be Brave

Jesus Christ was the kindest, most loving, most honest, most just human being who ever walked the earth. Yet, His last days were filled with people hissing, spitting, and cursing at Him as if He were a monster. When they imagined what He deserved, they chose the cruelest, most painful form of death known to man. If that is how they treated our gentle and lowly Lord, what should we expect (John 15:20)? Following Jesus sometimes means being willing to be the bad guy in the world’s eyes: “Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man!…Woe to you, when all people speak well of you, for so their fathers did to the false prophets,” (Luke 6:22, 26).

It would be easier for you to attend and convince yourself that you are able to internally disagree with the marriage. True. You might even convince yourself that this is an example of you following Paul in his effort to “become all things to all people” (1 Cor 9:22). I’m sure many Christians have done just that. And wouldn’t failing to attend just confirm their worst biases about judgmental Christians? Perhaps.

Let me answer those three examples quickly:

• You are conscience-bound to not give approval to what God disapproves of (Rom 1:32; 1 Cor 13:6). Your physical presence at the wedding—regardless of your intentions—has communicated to the couple, and the fellow attenders: I support this union; this is a good thing. The reason so many traditional vows include the “speak now, or forever hold your peace,” part where the congregation is invited to voice any disagreement with the union is because their presence at the union is a picture of their involvement—they are witnesses, participants. Don’t believe me? Imagine what would happen if you stood up before, during, or immediately after the ceremony and said: Just so everyone knows, I don’t support this, I think this is sinful and wrong. What would everyone do? They likely would look at you like a crazy person and ask: Then why are you here?
• Paul is willing to contextualize, yet he tells us that he does so “for the sake of the gospel,” (1 Cor 9:23). But if your efforts to contextualize actually distort the gospel? Then that is like pulling up planks from the bottom of the boat to make the mast taller—you wreck the ship. Scripture is clear: we cannot identify with our sin and identify with our Savior at the same time. If we do, we will not inherit the kingdom of God (1 Cor 6:9-11).
• No matter how confident you are that you have now earned some relational credit, that you have avoided being pigeon-holed as “one of those judgmental Christians,” by attending the wedding, you have now actually made it harder for that person to see the gospel more clearly. The only people Jesus has come to save are those who acknowledge their sin and turn to Him with penitent faith. Those who refuse to acknowledge their sin will find nothing in Jesus (1 John 1:8). But if you have helped further solidify that person into their sin, if you have communicated to them: this isn’t a sin that needs to be repented of, then how are they going to repent of it? Live with the hope that one day they may wake up to the call of repentance. Don’t sedate their conscience with your placid smiles at the wedding ceremony, don’t give them the fig-leaf of your attendance to hide behind when conviction comes: If this is really against God, why did so-and-so come to the wedding? Aren’t they Christians? Maybe they aren’t against this. What you think is “missional” is actually an obstacle to the gospel.

Following Jesus requires courage. C.S. Lewis said: “Courage is not simply one of the virtues but the form of every virtue at the testing point, which means at the point of highest reality. Pilate was merciful till it became risky,” (Screwtape).

Step Four: Be Loving

Courage isn’t a blank check for being rude or inconsiderate. In being brave, we are still conscience bound to abide by Paul’s dictum: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all,” (Rom 12:18). We must strive to “give no offense” to anyone, but instead to “please everyone in everything” we do (1 Cor 10:32-33); to “show perfect courtesy towards all,” (Titus 3:2). So much so, that even when your friends and family “speak against you as evildoers, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day of visitation,” (1 Pet 2:12). Many people may assume that the reason you fail to attend is that you are motivated by hatred or bigotry—work hard to demonstrate that this is not true.

Right after the apostle Paul summons the Corinthians to display courage, he then tells them to “Let all that you do be done in love,” (1 Cor 16:14). Love, in fact, is what motivates our courage. Our boldness and love are not like salsa and sour cream, good cop and bad cop, balancing each other out. They are a seamless garment. Real love is bold; and real courage is loving. As we navigate tense, intimidating conversations, let us be so suffused with love of God that it is evident in our tone, posture, and openness of heart that we deeply love those we disagree with, and even though we cannot support this marriage, we are always here, always open to relationship.

Those we disagree with may claim we are motivated by hate. They may say it is impossible to love someone and fail to support them in this. But God has shown us what love is. Real love is not found in affirming people in their rejection of God, but coming to them in the midst of their sin and pointing them towards a Savior.