Suicide and Grace: The Life of William Cowper

William Cowper (1731-1800), one of the great poets and hymn writers in the history of the church, was born in London and lived during the time of the Great Awakening of George Whitfield, Jonathan Edwards, John Wesley, and most influential of all in his life, John Newton. Cowper’s life, which was riddled with severe depression, was relatively uneventful. His mother died at a very young age, and his father remained very distant and cold, sending William away to boarding school at the age of ten. William, though raised in a thoroughly Christian culture, had no saving relationship with Christ growing up. After graduating from college, his father coerced him into practicing law, though William had no desire for it, nor felt adequate enough to do it. He puttered through this career, lacking purpose or happiness in it.

On the eve of a public examination he would have to undergo to accept a position as a Clerk in the House of Lords, Cowper, wrought with feelings of deep shame and self-doubt, decided that ending his miserable life was the only solution. He attempted suicide several times through various methods, but felt as if something was stopping him each time, only to result in him feeling as if he was being a coward, and would then try again later.

Eventually, exhausted from his continual attempts throughout the day, he fell asleep. He awoke around three in the morning in a terror of self-loathing, and reached for a pen knife and attempted to thrust it into his chest – but the blade broke. He then tried to hang himself from his bed frame – but the bed frame broke. Finally, he was able to successfully hang himself from his door frame till he lost consciousness – but the rope broke. He hit the ground, and convulsed into an unknown, deeper sense of self-hatred, unable to even kill himself. A narrator describes his experience the next day,

“He felt for himself a contempt not to be expressed or imagined; whenever he went into the street, it seemed as if every eye flashed upon him with indignation and scorn; he felt as if he had offended God so deeply that his guilt could never be for­giv­en, and his whole heart was filled with tumultuous pangs of despair. Madness was not far off, or rather madness was already come.”

Though Cowper was not a Christian, he felt the sense that he was nothing more than “a dirty thing” in the eyes of God, and felt that even more so after his marathon of failed suicide attempts. Cowper was then admitted into a mental asylum by his father, where the presiding doctor was a Christian, and presented the gospel to Cowper and often prayed with him. One day, upon reading the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead in John 11 and then Romans 3:25, God opened Cowper’s eyes to the beauty of the grace offered him in the gospel. Here is what Cowper wrote in his journal about the experience,

“Immediately I received the strength to believe it, and the full beams of the Sun of Righteousness shone upon me. I saw the sufficiency of the atonement He had made, my pardon sealed in His blood, and all the fullness and completeness of His justification. In a moment I believed, and received the gospel…my eyes filled with tears, and my voice choked with transport; I could only look up to heaven in silent fear, overwhelmed with love and wonder.”

Cowper realized the ocean of grace that was given to dirty sinners like him, leaving him in awe and wonder. He stayed at the asylum for another twelve months after his conversion, becoming very close friends with the doctor there. And it would be great to say that Cowper walked out of that asylum free from the struggle of depression, but he did not. Twice more after leaving the asylum, Cowper had a remarkable low point in his battle with depression, and twice more attempted to kill himself, both being unsuccessful.

Cowper did, however, begin attending John Newton’s church soon after leaving the asylum and developed a very close friendship with Newton. Newton, aware of the deep sadness that seemed to hang over Cowper, would frequently spend times visiting Cowper, go on long walks and discuss matters of the church with him. This was deeply helpful to the health of Cowper’s soul, though he still wrestled with depression to the day he died. But Newton stayed by his side, continually through it, never abandoning him as a lost cause or succumbing to Cowper’s gloomy pessimism that would manifest from time to time. Eventually, Newton suggested that Cowper should help him with compiling a book of hymns together, seeing as Cowper was a very talented poet. Cowper poured out his heart into the hymns, writing 68 in total, some of which are “God Moves in a Mysterious Way”, “There is a Fountain Filled With Blood” and “O for a Closer Walk With God”.

Cowper’s life is a great lesson for us on the particular struggle of dealing with depression. The combination of losing his mother, virtually losing his father, and nearly all of his siblings dying as infants, was a powerful cocktail of sadness that William had to drink at a young age. Many biographers upon examining much of his work strongly believe that there was a good chance that William was sexually abused at the boarding school he was sent to. As a young adult, William was hoping to marry, but after seven years of courting and engagement, was forced to call off the wedding by his soon-to-be father-in-law, who deemed William unfit to marry his daughter – after this blow, William never remarried. William also inherited a great amount of wealth, which gave him no reason to go out looking for a job, leaving him to spend an inordinate amount of time sitting inside with no real ambitions, doing nothing. All of this, and only God knows what other demons William wrestled with, created an atmosphere of despair that clung tightly to William, and stayed there till the day he died.

After his conversion in the asylum, William did have a remarkably different outlook on life. Though still plagued with sadness, he no longer clung to his certain damnation. He would falter, and at times snap at Newton that he was beyond help, but would always come back to that sense of awe that God still loved and accepted him. And Newton, his pastor and friend, was there, affectionately present and always eager to remind William of the joy to be had in Christ. William died in 1800, still gloomy and at times questioning God’s goodness. William’s depression would wax and wane throughout life, and having Newton and his church ever present in his life was monumentally important in providing health and stability.

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The Church must be present and active in the battle of depression that many of us struggle with. By its very nature, depression wants to isolate us from community, when a friend is often the very thing we need. However, the Church must be careful of painting a picture of what salvation looks like to those who wrestle with depression. In this life, we are certain that the Lord saves us from the damning penalty of sin (justification), and helps free us from the power of sin (sanctification), but we will not be saved from the presence of sin till we leave this earth (glorification). Depression can have many different causes and we should expect some of these causes to be remedied through our conversion and ongoing transformation. But some may remain all the way up to the day the Lord calls us home.

What we as the Church need to do is to emulate John Newton’s pastorate and friendship. Be present, be constant, be loving, be affirming, and not give up on someone because they don’t seem to be getting better. Cowper describes his relationship with Newton in a letter,

“I found those comforts in your visit, which have formerly sweetened all our interviews, in part restored. I knew you; knew you for the same shepherd who was sent to lead me out of the wilderness into the pasture where the Chief Shepherd feeds His flock, and felt my sentiments of affectionate friendship for you the same as ever.”

Newton listened and helped lead Cowper back into “the pasture where the Chief Shepherd feeds His flock”. Newton did not try and convince Cowper that he simply needed more self-esteem or to have a more positive self-image. That would have been poison to William’s heart. He whispered the gospel to his friend’s flighty heart, not reminding him to think more highly of himself, but reminding him of what God thinks of him now, because of what Jesus has done for him.

Newton also helped stoke the heart of Cowper to redeem his grief by focusing it into a way to serve the Body. Much of William’s hymns are overflowing with a sense of self-abasement, but sing mightily of God’s sufficiency of grace, His overflowing love and His sovereign plan, that at times is a mystery to us. Cowper’s life, though filled with struggle and sadness, has produced some of the most beautiful hymns that have served the Church in a mighty way, helping lead others who struggle to find that same pasture that William needed to be led back into himself.

God Moves in a Mysterious Way:

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